i am trying to recognize the person who suggested that he would pose 52 questions this … wait, there he is! yes, that supremely passionate person that immerses himself in whatever or whomever he is with, and sometimes suggests and acts on grander purposes, ideas and tasks before they are thoroughly thought through, and fully assessed on the wisdom scale. sometimes that proves well, in generating action and real movement on something that might otherwise get locked up in over-analysis. but all too often, it results in committing me to things that i cannot adequately deliver, or that in doing so, inflicts great cost on others or myself.
so here is a better idea. one that i think is more in keeping with the original intent. one that is more true to me, and the whole of my questioning nature. i plan to pose 12 questions this year, one each month. and then likely i will post another time, or times, during the month as to how things are going in sitting with that month’s question.
so here’s something that i have been hit with in sitting with Q1 … namely, how conscious am i (really) on a day-by-day, moment-by-moment basis that i am married? what percentage of time am i fully aware that i have a living, breathing, daughter of the living God that i promised to cherish. not play house with … but cherish. how do i have and hold her?
i stood before a whole crowd of people and God on an early june day in 1991, and made promises that i am convinced now, i had no earthly idea how to keep. maybe that’s ok, and maybe there is no way i could have ever been ready (really ready) in that moment to understand them. because the things that kristyn and i have fought through, things that would tear casual relationships apart, haven’t done that to us. i used to quickly and sincerely say that i loved kristyn from the minute i saw her. i won’t be saying that anymore. what i will say, is that i knew she was the one i wanted to share the remainder of my life with from the first moment i saw her. as clearly as i can remember that first day, i know that to be true. i remember saying nearly those words to my mom just a day or two later. but as true and as beautiful as that sentiment seems, i had no idea what love was back then. i had no idea what kind of hurt i was capable of, and how true and godly love would be the only thing that would withstand its attack. i had no idea what making and bringing another life into this world was, and how much more deeply love’s root would grow after the first and second time God allowed that to happen for us. i had no idea how much less or how alone i would feel even two seconds after kristyn’s car leaves the driveway. i had no idea of how good (and that has become a really big word for me) her voice sounds on the other end of the telephone. i had no idea how her smile could heal. i just had no idea.
i am still learning now, and i am in the midst of a month-long quest to reconnect with what it means to have and hold her; to have promised to cherish her. that is where i am as i sit and consider Q1.