this past weekend was a pretty significant one for me. it has been some time since my soul has felt settled. recent weeks and months have found me restless, sometimes short-fused, and on a sliding scale from a little bit better than just ok, to deeply sad. admittedly, life has thrown a lot at us as of late.
this weekend i began making some conscious choices as to what filled my time and captured my attention … two things that have plagued me recently. there was extended reading with connor, a meaningful time of studying with spencer, errands and dinner just kristyn and i, and a family prayer walk. as an anchor activity over the span of the two weekend days, i purged clutter from our bedroom. my corner of the bedroom, my dresser drawers and top had become a bit overrun with “stuff”. the kind of “stuff” that tends to get set on top of an existing pile at the end of a work day, thinking i will get back to it when i have more time or energy.
have i not lived long enough to know what is happening when i add even a little scrap of paper to an existing pile? how clever our minds attempt to be in those moments. how easily i fall victim to the deception of more time and energy that will come when only the conditions change. i should really just say the words out loud, and maybe then i will hear how untrue they are.
in beginning my purge, i consciously stood at my dresser for a few moments and confessed the truth that the clutter i was staring at was there as the direct result of my inability to process and resolve things into their proper place. there were conscious choices that i made to put them there, and there would be conscious choices in dealing with them. with each scrap of paper, each piled up item, each shirt i was never going to wear again, a bit of weight was removed from my chest. the immediate affects of the purging transcended the physical change i sought, and went straight to the core of my unsettled self. it was the feeling of the warm sun on a frost-bitten face, it was God’s warm embrace and whisper in my ear that His gaze has never left me.
my final act of weekend purge came sunday night as i answered emails before “shutting down” for the day. facebook has been on the periphery of my on-line life for some time. i created an account more than a year ago, and my soul has been at war with it since the final confirming left mouse click. i will stop short of making a judgement on facebook itself, since i have seen it genuinely connect people separated by great physical distances, reunite old classmates and childhood friends, and open up new avenues of communication between generations. but alas, it is not for me.
so sunday night i said “farewell” to facebook, initiating the deletion of my account. the process allows me a 14 day cooling-off period to reconsider my decision (“cooling-off” are my words). i am choosing to purge some things, and hopefully in the process, say yes to some other things. i believe that part of my unsettled self is due to not working through things in this space. while i have been writing occasionally at the ministry site, i have been all but completely absent here. this is a space that has been so valuable to me in telling stories, working out thoughts, and wrestling a bit with God. i am sure i am giving up something in not staying connected via facebook, but i firmly believe it was right for me and that returning here will more than make up for it.
consistent with the words of my very first post, you are always welcome here. and today i feel like i am saying that to myself too.