i stood in the shower this morning searching the width and depth of my grammatical sensibilities to pull out the polar opposite of the word “invitation”. i honestly struggled, and eventually came up empty. it shouldn’t have been that hard, and i’m convinced that my soul was warring with my intellect, so as not to be exposed.
it required a browse through thesaurus.com tonight to find the perfect antonym. i found it in the section for the verb “invite”. it was the only word listed … “reject”. the battle my soul was waging was not lost in the discovery of the word. that happened while still in the shower in my search for it. somewhere in the midst of the inner dialog, my soul was convicted and confessed.
my day started like most others these past two weeks. ipad in one hand, and coffee cup in the other. i was settling into my sacred space, ready to open my heart to what God had for me today. except somewhere between brew cycle and sacred, a darkness choked out the air and extinguished my light. i’d love for people to know me only by my sweet and meaningful conversations with my boys, my deep and abiding love for my wife, my sincere desire to meet the needs of others. but unfortunately, to know me like that, is to know only part of me. to truly know me, is to know the wrecking ball that my thought life can be, the dark spaces where my heart can too quickly run to, the great sadness that i can both inflict and become.
through much sitting with and praying though my dark spaces, i have discovered something about myself. something that is most likely true of all of us. a truth that had me searching for an antonym while rinsing and repeating. in the midst of my dark spaces, at the moment i need Him most, i reject God’s presence. i’m tempted to say “i don’t invite him into it”; that is what had me searching for the polar opposite. but i fear it’s more true that i reject him being a part of it.
so many questions flooded my mind this morning. even the seemingly simple ones, had no answer in response, only more questions. i wish that i could remember them, and i wish this was punctuated with some big take-away. what i am certain of, are two equally vital truths. first, that God already knows the depth, breadth and minute details of my dark spaces. and second, He stands persistently knocking on the well-lit side of the door, wanting desperately to be let in.
a more-like-a-brother-than-a-friend once shared a brilliant illustration with me. he said that we so often invite God into ourselves like we invite a newcomer into our home. we deliver an invite for a specific date and time, and are excited for them to come. we prepare for their arrival, taking particular care to clean what can be seen and give our best effort to make our home a space they will feel welcome in. inevitably though, there is a room or space that we would be embarrassed for our guests to see. we proudly show off the sparkling spaces, but distract attention from, walk past, or explain away the space they are not welcome in.
a couple of years ago i began opening the door to my dark spaces. this morning proved to me that i still sit stubbornly in the midst of them sometimes. but i am, at the same time, grateful for what God is doing in my life, and anxious to be known for all that i am. not just the parts that look presentable.
we sometimes still have the thought that as the old statement goes “God will get you for that” so we close the door so he won’t see. Knowing well that he already knows and is only waiting for us to “Fess up”. I used to tell mom “if the mess in Mark’s room bothers you, Close the door”. Truth is she knew what was on the other side of the door.
God is NOT out to get us,He knows and LOVES us. Step into the light, he has so much more for us. Enjoying God is light.
we all have dark spaces. they can only be lit up when we share them with Him and others. I love all of you.